Scrumptious Relationships

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Love,

kjsig


Be Careful What You’re Being Right About

One of my very favorite things to do is to help all of us understand what drives us; to have compassion for our “human-ness”.

Today we’re going to talk about the very strong drive we have for certainty. And it shows up as us “knowing” – being right – about things.

How often does that actually work against us, and being able to have what we really want?

I was interacting with a great gal the other night, encouraging her to celebrate the successes she had created over the past month of the program she had been part of.

I had to work fairly hard to help her see what she had to be happy about, because she was pretty focused on what she had not done. Much laughter was happening, as she tried to move through her resistance.

At one point, I even said “Boy, you’re tough!”

I realized that this is something that we all do – WAY too often, right?

Now she’s a very smart woman (just like you), and her logical, and very creative, “evidence-gathering” system had been working to see all the “not enoughs”. And it was pretty crushing to her spirit, and to her motivation.

You know what I mean?

Think of all the places you do this to yourself, and beyond.

Another conversation (with another smart gal) was about how she’d been perceiving a friend’s actions, which was causing a big rift in their relationship – and big pain in her heart. We had some good laughs about it, as we worked through the other possible things she could have been right about.

(Boy, I love smart AND funny women – what a delight to work with!)

Since you’re reading this blog, I can make an assumption about you: you are on a path to having a scrumptious relationship with a great man (whether you’re already with him, or you haven’t met him yet), and you are committed to learning how to manifest that in your life.

  • When you get “right” about him not caring, you will put up walls.
  • When you get “right” that he couldn’t possibly be attracted to you because (fill in the blanks), you’ll withhold your authentic self.
  • When you get “right” about there not being any good men left to meet, you’ll only be half-heartedly going through the motions of “being out there”.
  • When you get “right” that he knew what he was doing and he meant to hurt/disappoint/piss you off, you’ll make him pay.

I could go on, but I’m sure you’re getting the point.

So how about if, instead, you get right about:

  • There are great men everywhere (imagine the skip in your step)
  • You are worthy of being loved (which allows men to give to you)
  • Everyone’s doing their very best, always (allowing your compassion to shine)
  • You’re gorgeous, just the way you are (talk about authentic self-expression!)

I think that’s a great start…take it from there, gorgeous.

What do you WANT to be right about? Be careful…it’s so powerful.

The Truth About Men and Commitment

Have you ever heard (or have you ever said) that men are “commitment-phobic”?

What if that’s not true?

I’m not talking about the men who are in a stage where they want to play, have sex with lots of women, have adventures…no matter how long that stage lasts.

That is not your business. Unless you’re trying to convert a man who’s in that stage, into a man who is committed to you. (What a bad idea!)

The truth? Men take their commitments very seriously. Whether to their work, or to their women, or to their children, or to their team/sports.

They’re committed, and they’re loyal to what they’re committed to.

And if you’re a woman who can support his commitment(s), you’ll look like a woman who could be a great partner and a great member of his team. You’ll be an asset to him, and will be very attractive to him (please don’t fake this, by the way – it’ll come back to bite you in the ass, no doubt about it).

And – very important: if he’s not ready to commit to what you want (marriage, kids), you want to respect that. He has an idea of what he wants to be able to provide when he commits to you, and he’s not there yet.

I strongly recommend that you spend time looking for the evidence (and it’s everywhere!) of men’s relationship to commitment.

That’s your assignment, should you choose to accept it.

How to Have a Great Valentine’s Day

If you’re like most women, you can get yourself fairly worked up leading up to Valentine’s Day…and the media sure does throw gas on that fire!

You’ve probably had at least a few disappointing experiences in your life, as you’ve hoped for some wonderful gesture of love and devotion from your man, only to have him come up empty-handed (or what was in his hand was not even close to what you wanted!).

Or you’ve been single for a while, and you’ve hated the lead-up to this big-deal-for-romance holiday, because you’ve feel like you’re missing out.

So how do you deal with this annual dance of angst before 2/14, followed by your hurt feelings (or anger, or resentment) right afterwards?

Kill the pressure of that expectation about how Valentine’s Day is supposed to look – on everyone – yikes!

And before you go crazy on me, I am NOT saying that you shouldn’t have your man show you that he loves you, or have a special day to honor the wonderful woman that you are.

What I am saying is that there’s a great way to eliminate those killer expectations (and you already know those suckers wreak havoc on you and on your relationships!) and make sure you have what you want on that day, and that is to plan it for yourself.

Yup, plan it for yourself.

Now, if you do this, but do it with the wrong/resentful attitude, it will not work.

If you’re with a man, this isn’t about sending him some kind of a “f-off!” message, and it’s not about giving up on the possibility of feeling loved by your man. It’s just ensuring that you get the experience you want on this day – a day that means an entirely different thing to (most) men.

If you’re single, it’s not saying that you’re giving up on having the scrumptious relationship you want; it’s just relieving any pressure you’ve felt to be part of a couple on this day in the calendar.

No one on the planet knows as well as you do what your heart/soul/body yearns for as a way to feel loved – and with the extreme pressure that mounts for a “perfect” experience on Valentine’s Day, it’s just such a set-up.

And although you may find yourself making it about the jewelry, or the fancy restaurant, or the gorgeous flowers, etc., if you think about it, what you really are ultimately looking for is that experience of being loved.

Right?

Think about this for a second; who knows better than you how to create a nurturing, loving, fulfilling experience that hits home for you?

What do you suppose would happen if you told your man that, instead of him going out and spending money to do the “should” thing (flowers/dinner/jewelry – the obligatory gestures…how loving does that really feel?) – you were going to use that same money and:

  • spend the day at a spa, being completely pampered;
  • go shopping with your best girlfriends to buy yourself something that made you feel exquisitely gorgeous;
  • go away for the weekend with your best girlfriend and relax;
  • go to a yoga retreat;
  • send the kids to go to their grandparent’s house for the night so you can stay home in your jammies.

And you single gals – how about planning a party (even of one) where you celebrate your wonderfulness, and nurture your feminine spirit/body in some way?

These are just some ideas…but you get the point? What would be the best way for you to get what you’re seeking, which is to feel love?

Are you aware that, for most men, if they could make Valentine’s Day disappear forever, they would?

With this proposed plan, you would have an experience that was completely tailored to your needs (because you designed it), and – for you gals in a relationship – your man would get to support you – without having to figure out how to out-do his prior efforts (or the efforts of your all your friends’ husbands/boyfriends). Or without having to fix his past years’ “bombs”.

If you think there’s something to this, and you decide to give it a try, I’d love to hear about your experience.

If, instead, you think I’ve lost my mind, I’d love to hear from you, too.

Happy Valentine’s Day!