Scrumptious Relationships

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Love,

kjsig


Giving and Doing Too Much = Resentment

I taught a workshop this past weekend, and lots of the women could relate to it when I talked about how giving too much, or giving with an expectation of something in return (and not getting it) causes a big problem with resentment.

And we all know that resentment is like drinking poison, hoping it will hurt someone else!

As women, we’re pretty much wired to nurture, to give, and to take care of people. For the most part, if we do this in a way that’s authentic, and honors us, it causes us to feel good. Fulfilled. Happy.

BUT. If we’re giving, nurturing, doing, etc., because:

  • It’s creating a debt that needs to be reciprocated
  • It’s the way we earn approval
  • We think we “should”
  • We don’t trust anyone else to do it, or do it well enough

Then there is going to be hell to pay.

And we’re the ones who’ll pay the lion’s share of that bill…but we won’t be the only ones.

Because the people we expected something back from will eventually feel our resentment. But they can’t read our minds. And they weren’t in on the plan that you’d give xyz, and then it would be their turn to give xyz.

So all that happens is that they think it must be that time of the month for you, or you’re just a bitch and need to be ignored.

Which is like putting your resentment on steroids.

Here’s what to do instead:

  1. Do NOT give anything you’re not happy to give. The beauty of that plan is that the reward for doing/giving is already built in. You want to because it will make you feel good. You give. You feel good. Voila’!
  2. If you’ve been giving from that “other” place, and it’s been causing trouble, own what’s been going on – then explain that you’re going to change things up a little, and tell them what they can count on you for. And maybe what they’re not going to be getting any longer, or in the same way.??

Two things to keep in mind about #2:

  1.  You want to alert people to a change in plans (it’s why cars are built with turn signals…so people get alerted to an upcoming change and know to adjust for it!), and
  2. Take care of your relationship and have the conversation from a place of love, not anger. They have not been trying to torture you; they’ve been receiving your gifts as gifts, not as a “trade”.

You’re the one who’s been doing that.

Follow these steps, and watch your level of satisfaction go right up – oh, and by the way, so will everyone else’s!

Have a Good Attitude for Great Results

It’s a new year – want to make sure you meet that great man? Yeah! So, how do you do that?

I’m a huge fan of online dating, and I’ll tell you why.

When you’re looking for single men to date who are a fit for what you’re looking for, and who want what you want, you have (basically) two options:



A) You can cruise through your daily life, hoping for a chance encounter with a man you’re attracted to. Then you have to figure out his relationship status (single and available, dating someone seriously, or married?) without seeming aggressive. Then you have to let him know you’re available for dating.

Phew! So much work…before the first hello!

B) You can log on to a site where there are literally thousands of men in your geographic area, who have already identified the following information (which you can find out with just a few clicks of your mouse! ):

Their availability (and sure, there are men who are not telling the truth…just like in the real world; there are men – and women – who don’t tell the truth);

  1. What they’re looking for;
  2. What they like to do for fun;
  3. Their “stats” (age, income, education, etc.).

As long as you’re clear about what you’re looking for, as well as clear about who you are (and you’re able to represent yourself well online), then all you need to do is use common sense and go for it!

My common sense dating checklist:

  • Don’t have a man you don’t feel comfortable with come to your house to get you
  • Always meet in public places
  • Have someone know where you’re going and with whom
  • Don’t give out your home number until you’re comfortable doing so (most men appreciate the vulnerability women feel, and many will even offer their number so you can call them)

Have fun with this, for goodness’ sake – think of it as an adventure! And as a nice bonus, you’ve got the potential to meet the man you’ll be happy to spend your life with.

One final note: whatever you’re expecting is what you’ll probably experience (it’s true about anything, really, but let’s stick to the topic of online dating). I strongly encourage you to choose a positive outlook, and expect to meet great men, rather than adopting other women’s negative attitudes about this.

He’s Helping and She’s Taking it Personally

This issue of “Scrumptious Relationships” is inspired by this question, sent in by Susan:

“How can I learn not get defensive and angry when my fiancé tells me what to do, and how to do it? He’s very intelligent, an engineer by education, also younger than me.

I know that I have felt for years (from childhood) that others do not value my intelligence and my knowledge and experience. I try to remember that when people I love are telling me what to do and how to do it – that they’re showing their love, but often I can’t do that and react with anger, sarcasm, and/or defensiveness.”

This is a great question! And there are a few things that are going on:


  1. Taking a man’s help personally, being offended, getting angry, etc., is about your own self-esteem issues (as Susan acknowledged). Make sure you’re paying attention to where you’re already feeling less-than somehow, and do the work you have to do so that you’re in good shape with your sense of yourself and what you have to offer.
  2. When a man is “all in”, one of the things he’s going to do is take on accountability for your happiness and your success, to a certain extent. It’s his job. And men are wired to do a good job. So he’ll try to do that with you. Let him.
  3. Men are natural problem-solvers, and when you present a problem – even if you don’t ask for his advice or help – he’s probably going to chime in to make sure that the issue is solved efficiently.
  4. Make sure you’re taking care of the relationship (and him) by asking for what you need (which could include asking him to let you figure something out on your own because you want the challenge or the growth experience).
  5. AND also take care of the relationship by appreciating everything he does to make you happy. And if you’re looking carefully, you’ll see that he’s doing a lot to (try to) make you happy. If you appreciate his efforts, he’s probably going to do even more – because he loves appreciation. It fuels him.