Believe Him When He Says He's Not Ready

Hello Karen,

I’m in a very difficult situation and unsure if I should continue it or end it before I waste more time and pain. I’ve been dating a man for the past 2 years.

 The first year we were very on and off as he has been in the process of a divorce and he asked for “space” in the beginning as he needed to help her and he needed time to sort things out in his life. He has finally gone through with the divorce as of last week, however he moved three hours north of here to be closer to where his ex moved, so that he could see his step-son and have him and his son stay close (they’re the same age). 

 He and I have always had a wonderful friendship on top of our chemistry and intimacy, and he’s always been brutally honest with me. He tells me that he’s in love with me, but that he doesn’t plan on getting married for a long time.  He also told me he does want another child down the road, but he’s not sure with whom and probably not for a long time. He continues to tell me “I love you, I only want to date JUST you, I’m serious about you”, but that he’s mourning and needs time to mourn. When I question where he sees us, where we’re going, and I tell him what I need and want from us in our relationship, he tells me I’m selfish and “for god’s sake, I just got out of a ten year marriage”….he says it’s selfish of me to question him. He told me if I feel that he can’t offer me what I need then I should end it…and that’s where I am now.

  I love him so very much, I have endured so much, I can’t help but wonder…am I wasting more time? I feel like I’m just Ms. Right NOW…when I want to feel like Ms. RIGHT. Is it fair that he’s basing the pace of our relationship on the fact that he’s going thru a divorce? I mean is it wrong for me to wonder how long he’s gunna “ride that horse?”……is it just an excuse?

 I just feel that after 2 years he should have some idea of where I stand…or what he wants with me. Please tell me your professional opinion on what I should do? Should I let him go and let him mourn? He doesn’t want me to break things off but I feel so unimportant to him right now.  I’m afraid if I let him go he may find someone else and he and I will never be.

 He  owns a restaurant and only works Saturdays and Sundays and has his whole week free up there while I’m at work. He’s handsome and very capable of finding himself a quality woman….I just only wish he would show some degree of commitment to me.  When school starts he won’t be able to see me during the week, he doesn’t want me to live with him as he says he’s not ready to do that right now, he’s not ready for this, for that……maybe I’m answering my own questions…but I just need to know…am I wasting my time?…should I continue to invest in the man I’m in love with and want a future with when he’s obviously not over his divorce???? Please help. I’m in so much pain from this…and I don’t have a mother to go to for advice….thank you very much for your time… – Jerrica, FL

Dear Jerrica,

I appreciate how much info you offered in your question – I usually edit these, but you offer a lot that I believe will help other women reading this who feel as you do, and have a similar issue going on in their lives.

I have a very short answer to your question:

Believe him when he tells you that he’s not ready.

I have no doubt that he loves you, and that he does not want you to end things with him.  Here’s the scoop: he’s getting all his needs for connection with a woman taken care of.

He doesn’t want more at this point.

He wants no strings, no commitment, no hassles, no problems, no conflict – he had plenty of that in his marriage (or they’d still be married, right?).

He is a long way from being available for what you want.

And, please hear this: there is NOTHING wrong with you wanting what you want.  What does not work is wanting it from this man; in fact, being upset with him for not wanting to give it to you is a recipe for profound anguish and a dip in your self-esteem.  Feeling like he’s got options available and he’s choosing to withhold what you want is going to torture you.

He simply is where he is, and he’ll be there for much longer than you’re up for.

The best thing for you to do is to move on.  Let him be where he is, and give yourself the gift of having what you want.

Go be with a man who can give you what you want – now.  Believe you deserve it.  Believe it’s out there for you to have.