Dear Karen,
I’ve been dating a man for the past couple of months, and I’m crazy about him. I’ve never connected with someone so well, or so deeply. My only issue is that he’s told me that he is not interested in being in a committed relationship (he’s just gotten out of a tough marriage). I am getting to the edge of my “biological window” for having my own children, and I want to have kids very badly. In your opinion, should I hang in there with him, in case he’s not really serious about not wanting to be married again (or, if he is serious, that he may change his mind?)? ~ Suzie, RI
Dear Suzie,
Oh, boy, this is a toughie; I feel for you. And you may not like what I’m going to tell you. However, I owe it to you to give it to you straight.
BELIEVE HIM
When a man tells you he’s not interested in a committed relationship, believe him. If he tells you he doesn’t ever want kids (or more kids, if that’s the case), believe him. If he tells you he’s never been faithful to a woman in his life, and isn’t sure he ever could, believe him.
YOU THINK YOUR LOVE CAN SWAY HIM
Women do this all the time – fall in love with the man a man could become, if only he’d just allow her loving influence to work on him and his fears/barriers/insecurities/old wounds/lack of success, or whatever else is in his way.
What a disastrous plan that is!
Now, we’ve all heard stories of women who’ve hung in there through the most awful, heart/gut/soul-wrenching years of her life, and are finally married to the man they’ve been with through thick and thin.
For every one of those women who “survived”, there are at least a few hundred (thousand?) who are still licking their wounds, and acting out all that residual pain and anguish on any new potential suitors (that is, if there are any).
A BETTER PLAN
Here’s what I suggest for you:
1. Know very clearly what your bottom-line requirements are in a man, and do NOT stray away from your list, no matter how powerful the attraction is that you feel for a man;
2. Date more than one man at a time – this will help you stay more balanced, and less likely to dip into “scarcity mentality”…you know that one? When you have a hard time walking away from “good enough”, because “better” may not be an option for you? That’s a killer!;
3. The minute you know that a man is not a fit for what you require, move on (finish your date if you discover this over dinner, of course <grin> – but don’t prolong it!).
Stick to your (new) plan, no matter how uncomfortable it is in the beginning, and keep reminding yourself that not only do you deserve to have the relationship you really want, but the man you’ll be with deserves that, too!