Dating Is A Great Mirror

Dear Karen,

I often wonder what I appear like on a date.  Do I seem interested?  Too independent?  I wish I could take a hidden video camera just to see what I seem like.  Sometimes, a man may not call back, and I do wonder: “Was the karma not right?  Me? Him?  Just not the right fit for either of us?”  When I can tell it’s not a good fit, I am sure I give the air of “I’m not interested.”  But, sometimes I don’t know until the second date if I am interested.  I wonder how I can tell if I come across the right way. – Joanne

Dear Joanne,

You’re very smart to try to figure out what you’re communicating to your dates – we’re always conveying messages.  It’s good to know if you’re saying what you want to be saying!


Although your question is about how you come across to your dates, I’d like to stress the point that dates are what happen as a result of the messages a man gets from you before there’s even a date.  Basically, whatever first impressions have been made create the next step(s).

Even before knowing how you’re coming across to the man across the dinner table from you, it would be good to understand who/how you were being that had him be attracted to you in the first place.

I’ll repeat something I’ve said in previous issues:”Like attracts like.”

How you’re being is determining the men you’re attracting to yourself, so you’d better know that you’re being your authentic self (versus your “fear” self).  The way you can tell the difference is that when you’re connected to your authentic self you tend to feel natural, relaxed, more trusting.  When your “fear” self is in charge, you’re likely to be more nervous and not quite sure what the “right” this is to do to gain this man’s approval.

When you’re on a date, you want to be asking yourself the question “Is he right for me?” rather than “Am I right for him?”

One important note here:  if you are lacking in sufficient (notice I didn’t say PERFECT) self-acceptance, you’ll have a hard time appreciating the men you’re attracting and dating, as they will mirror who you are.  You’ll find yourself judging a man for aspects of who he is that, most likely, are matches to aspects of who you are.

It’s okay to experience fear (in fact, it’s quite natural and to be expected), which may cause you to be/feel judgmental, or aloof, or grouchy, or whatever your particular fear-based behavior is, but catch yourself as soon as possible and just relax.


There are a few areas to pay attention to that will help you have a positive dating experience, and guide you to the relationship that’s right for you.  Follow these, and you’ll be happier with the men you’re spending time with:

1) Accept who you are

This doesn’t mean that you’re saying “this is how I am, and tough if you don’t like it!”  We all have things that may, to some extent, interfere with the quality of life we want.  So, we work on those things as part of what we’re up to in life.  But your self-acceptance is not hinging on that change/shift having happened.  Your message to yourself is basically this: “I love and accept all of me – the brilliant, the inconvenient, the messy, (or whatever else is your particular deal)”.

2) Know what you must have in your mate

I stress this more than almost anything; you must know what you want, if you hope to get it.  Remember that you’re attracting to you what you’re focusing on.  Make sure your focus is aligned with your higher self and with what you must have in your lifetime mate.  You don’t want dating to be like some random turkey shoot, where you take whatever you “bag” – you want the men you date to be a match to what you’re looking for.

3) Learn how to communicate interest

Flirting is a key way of letting a man know you’re interested.  When you’re on a date with a man, it’s important to show interest in him (unless of course you are very clear that there is no way he’s a fit, in which case you WANT to tone down how you’re relating to him).  And if you’re not sure whether or not he’s a fit, why not keep communicating interest?  Eye contact, smiling, being engaged in the conversation, listening to what he’s saying, sharing yourself with him.  There are plenty of great relationships out there that didn’t start off with a BANG of chemistry, but were rather like a slow simmer that kept on growing.


The men you’re attracting are always great mirrors of who/how you’re being.  As you learn to be more authentically yourself, you will find that your fear diminishes, the quality of the men you’re attracting is a better match to who you really are, and your overall dating experience will be more fun (and more successful!).

Until next month, may you experience the relationship you have always dreamed of, and as always, if there is any way I may be of service on your journey, please let me know.