Discernment, or Judgment?

Dear Karen,

I’ve recently connected with a man on Match.com, and I think we could be a good fit.  The problem?  He won’t get off his butt and suggest we get together!  This guy just wants to email back and forth, which is driving me nuts.  Is he just too much of a wimp?  Should I move on? – Judy

Dear Judy,

I hear some variation on this situation from clients all the time.  It’s a great question, as it touches on some important aspects of dating.   Thanks for sending this in!


As I always tell my clients, it’s very important to remember you are the “chooser”, and it is your job to determine whether or not a man is a good fit for *you*.  (So many women go around trying to be what a *man* is looking for, which doesn’t work; it makes women abandon themselves in favor of being what they think a man is looking for.)

It sounds like you’re connected to being the chooser, which is good.  I hear something else in your question that I would say is going to get in your way of being with someone who’s a great fit.


In the process of making that determination about a particular man, you will have the opportunity to practice the way you want to be with men you could choose as the right one.

If you’re able to be consistently the way you want to be, you’ll have a much better chance of attracting (and keeping) a man who’s right for you.

Conversely, if you are not the way you want to be with men who are not a good fit for you, the journey to your best self is harder when a good candidate comes along.  When you combine that with the fact that first impressions happen in a flash, you may miss a connection with a good man because you’re being less than your best self in that moment.

Men are everywhere – you never know when you are being observed by a dishy guy who could be fabulous for you.  Yes, this discipline of being your best self with men who aren’t “the one” is tough to do consistently.

A very important principle to keep in mind:

How you do anything is how you do everything.

If you’re able to be kind, generous, compassionate, loving, patient, a good listener, etc., with men who are not a good fit, then you’ll be able to be that way with all men, in all circumstances.  (Or at least you can strive for being that way, which I know is a description of you when you’re not feeling scared, right?)


Your job, in the dating world, is to be discerning; definition from dictionary.com: to be able to distinguish or discriminate.  Basically, your job is to observe what you see, make a determination, and then either continue to relate with a man or not.  However, what far too many women get caught up in, and it sounds like you’ve fallen into that trap, too, Judy, is to judge; definition from dictionary.com: decide upon critically.  Basically, instead of observing, you condemn.  And that is very hard energy to carry around inside of you, while wanting to attract a man worthy of your tenderness.

Energetically, it’s just not likely to happen.


Use your dating experiences – all of them – to practice being your highest and best self; to live from that place of your most wonderful self.  It’s not that hard, once you commit to seeing all men on your dating journey as a gift to you.  Think of it like this: you go to the gym because there is equipment you can work out on that helps you get more fit, more quickly.  The men you date who are not the right ones are like those Nautilus machines; they get you stronger.  Appreciate them for that!

Until next month, may you experience the relationship you have always dreamed of, and, as always, if there is any way I may be of service on your journey, please let me know.