Do Not Wait for Perfect – it is Not Possible

Dear Karen,

I’m overweight, and I know that men are visual and are really into how women look.  I don’t think they’d want to date me until I’m thin. What’s your opinion on what I should aim for, before I put myself out there?  Is there an optimal “look” (weight) that men need? – Jane, PA

Dear Jane,

I love your question, because it touches on such a deep issue for the majority of women out there…basically, they’re asking themselves some version of this question:

“Who/what do I need to be (that I am not, yet) so that men will choose me?”

My single clients are very familiar with something I tell them, over and over (and over!):

YOU are the chooser…not the men!

The most attractive thing to men is self-confidence.  How confident are you going to feel (or be), if what you’re doing is trying to mold yourself so that some man out there will find you attractive enough to choose you?

And what man?

Who is this guy who has your knickers in a twist, pretzeling yourself (how do you like that new word?  Kinda catchy, huh?) to fit what you’ve made up he wants you to be?

He’s the MEDIA, honey.

Not the man you want, but a big, huge marketing machine, designed to have everyone on the hunt for the next thing that will ultimately cause them to be “perfect”.


Since perfect is unattainable, guess what?  You’re destined to churn away on that hamster wheel, attacking the next thing you have to “fix” (after tackling the last one successfully) in order to be good enough.

It ain’t gonna happen…


…because it’s not possible!

You would not want a daughter you love and want to see be happy in her life to believe that she has to strive to be perfect before she can be loved…would you?

I didn’t think so!

So how about being that wonderful mother – or auntie, or teacher, or fairy godmother – to your own sweet girl: YOU.

Let’s get back to what men really dig, okay?

We talked about self-confidence.  Real self-confidence, though.  Not the inflated ego-based stuff, which is still more of the same; all externally driven.

Men also want women who are real and authentic.  It takes guts to reveal who you really are, and men love courage.

And I’m not talking about the competitive, challenging sort of courage that you may have had to muster to win at something.  Authentic self-expression and vulnerability takes a huge amount of courage, and yet it is inviting, isn’t it?

Now, men do want to be physically attracted, of course (well…don’t you?).

But they don’t all want “Barbie”.

Oh, and please don’t confuse “want” with their automatic reactions to a gorgeous, shapely woman.  That’s pretty much instinct – they’re going to look.

Just don’t make it mean more than it means, unless you want to live in perpetual low self-confidence, because there’s another woman who is a) younger, b) prettier, c) thinner, d) smarter, e) more successful, f) taller, g) shorter (etc.) than  you are.  There will always be someone who is more than/less than you are.

But they’ll never be you.

And YOU are the gift to the man you choose to be with.

So take exquisite care of yourself.  And if that means that you’re working on having a healthier, leaner, fitter body, and eating more nutritious food, then great!

If you’re doing anything so that men will choose you, stop.  Wrong motivation.  It can’t work.

Long answer to your question, Jane.  Short answer: if you feel worthy and gorgeous and attractive, you are. And men will dig you.

Now get out there and have some fun, woman!