Does He Even Know What You Want?

Dear Karen,

 I am so frustrated I could scream!  I feel like I have no support at home – I feel like I’m doing it all, and alone…and meanwhile my man gets everything he needs from me (and then some!).  What gives?  Am I just living with the world’s most selfish man? – Lynn, MA

 Dear Lynn,

 First of all, I do suggest you get some of that energy released…and screaming is a great way to do it! 

 My favorite method: drive somewhere secluded, close all your windows, and have a great screaming fit – at the top of your lungs.  For extra release, it’s great to “choke” the steering wheel. 

 It’s so cathartic! 

 Don’t forget to bring your Kleenex along – you’ll most likely have a good cry after a bit of releasing.

 Then, when you’re feeling a little more grounded and present, here’s what I’m wondering about:

 1) Do you have a very clear sense of what it is you need from your man? 

 The reason this is my #1 question is because this is usually such a huge issue for women. 

We’re so focused on everyone else’s needs that we don’t spend enough time/attention tuning in to our own needs. 

 We have them, of course, which is why we’re often lugging around a heavy sack that’s filled to the top with resentment!

 2a) If you said “yes” to #1, are you being really clear with your man about what you need? 

 2b) If you said “yes” to #2a, are you talking with him when he’s able to hear you?  (Are you sure?  He may look in your general direction, but that is not a guarantee that he’s able to hear you…make sure you clear with him that he’s open to talk, before you get into what you want to talk about…that is, if you want it to be productive!).

 2c) If you said “yes” to those questions, are you talking with him in a respectful, loving and trusting way (or is that sack of resentment pounding him into the ground right about then?)? 

 Keep in mind that men are wired to provide for and protect their women.  If they’re not doing that, the first place we need to look for the cause of that is in the mirror; what are we doing, or not doing, that is derailing his natural instincts?

 I go into this in much greater detail, obviously, in my book “Men are Great” ( to download a free chapter), but it’s critically important to get this. 

 The beauty of this is that, once we get how to communicate effectively with our men, the shift is often incredibly quick (almost like the rubber band snaps back to where it belongs).

 I’m betting that your man wants to make you happy.   Relate with him as though you believe that about him.  It will make things go much more smo