Don't Wait Until You Lose the Weight

Dear Karen,

I have always struggled with my weight, and I have a fear that the reason the men I want haven’t been interested in me is because of my weight/appearance. I have had more than one experience where I’ve e-mailed back and forth with a guy, talked on the phone… and it seems like we have a lot in common and really hit it off… but after the first meeting, he either doesn’t contact me again or sends me an e-mail saying that he recently connected with someone from his past and doesn’t think it’s right to see me, too, and lead me on. That just confirms my fear that it was only my appearance/weight that he was not attracted to and I feel like the only way I’m going to meet someone and have it work out is if I lose weight. That in turn makes me feel bad and hopeless and I turn to food for comfort.  

I do plan on losing the extra weight, so I have not wanted to put a picture up of myself where I am heavier and I don’t feel good about the way I look. But then I’m faced with first dates and the worry that they will see me and I look heavier than they thought I was.  I know the weight issue is my thing and I am the only one who can do that work – be it lose the weight or accept that I am the way I am so I can feel confident, but it’s very frustrating thinking I have to wait until I change in order to meet someone.  It seems like guys have higher standards for women’s physical appearance. Those 20 pounds feel like a deal-breaker.  Please give it to me straight (as I know you will)…what should I do? ~Kim, ME

Dear Kim,

Oh, my goodness, woman – the time you are wasting!  Please stop keeping yourself tortured until you reach some imagined “perfection” in the eyes of men.  Although it’s true there are plenty of men that are going to be drawn to physical attributes more than what is underneath, the right man for you is not one of those.  Of course, he won’t be able to find you, unless you’re out there, struttin’ your stuff!


The Law of Attraction, something I talk about quite a bit in these newsletters, basically states that “like attracts like”.  What this means to you is that, because of your own issue about your weight, you’re likely to attract men who have that issue, too (either they’ll judge you for your extra weight, or they’ll have extra weight and won’t feel attractive, either).

Now, let’s work on getting you to a place where you can feel free to “strut your stuff”.

Your question reminded me immediately of one of my favorite quotes, by Norman Vincent Peale:

“We tend to get what we expect.”

We expect, and therefore see, a particular situation or experience over and over again.


So, how are you gathering evidence?  Are you paying way too much attention to those men that are not only physically fit themselves, but have a svelte model-type woman on their arm?  Are you putting yourself at risk of rejection by going after men like that?  Are you perhaps noticing all the fitness buffs, and the ads on TV and in magazines, as more “evidence” that you must berate and judge yourself, until you’re “one of them”?

Well, if you are, stop it!

Start paying attention to the women who are overweight and are having fun, dating great men, getting married, loving their lives.  I guarantee you’ll find them, if you just focus on that.

Make it a discipline to listen for, and see, the evidence that women who don’t seem to be bothered by their weight are having a ball!  Trust me, they’re everywhere.  They happen to be the women that accept themselves just as they are, and expect others to do the same.

By the way, many of them may even be on some type of program to become more in line with their intended weight, or fitness level, but they’re not holding that as a condition or requirement before they are loved and accepted, and certainly not in their way of having a good time – NOW.


You may be thinking that if you wait until you are the right weight, you’ll then be able to manifest the life/relationship you want.  The only problem with that plan is that you’re building your future from the only thing you have, which is the present.  Your life is being created from how you’re BE-ing in this very moment.

You cannot create a future of love, joy and acceptance from a place of “I’m not good enough right now”.  So, if you don’t feel men will want you because of your weight, not only are you creating that reality right now, you’re also building your future from that “truth”.


1.    Create a mantra/affirmation that will affirm how fabulous you are – right now.  Some samples:  “I love and accept myself unconditionally, right now”.  “I am loved and accepted unconditionally”.  “I am whole and complete, just as I am”.  “I am worthy of love, exactly as I am”.  Make sure that the one you use has deep resonance for you.
2.    When you catch yourself in a negative thought or comment about yourself, say “Cancel!Cancel!” immediately, and replace it with a positive comment or thought.
3.    Keep an ongoing inventory of what is marvelous, lovable and perfect about you – if you really want to get some extra “oomph!” out of this exercise, ask your friends and family to contribute to your list!
4.    Make choices throughout your day that reflect the love and acceptance you have for yourself (you know what I mean, right?  Fruit instead of ice cream; exercise regularly because it’s good for your body, etc.)  One important point here – do not do these things because you *have* to in order to be loved.  Do it because you already have love – yours, for yourself.
5.    Get whatever help you need to support the choices you make for yourself: friends, therapy, books, coaching, support groups, workshops, or anything else that you know is going to keep you on your chosen path.

There are men out there that can see beyond a woman’s appearance, and are seeking a deep connection with the right woman.  Before you can find that kind of man, you must be your own soulmate, and give yourself the love and acceptance you have been seeking from outside yourself.

Once you feel about yourself the way you hope a man will feel about you, you will attract him.  I’ll sign off with an old saying that I love: “Believe it, and you will see it.”