Fear That He's "Too Good For You"

Dear Karen,
I have a problem that has come up.  Sometimes when I meet someone that is really fantastic, I get the old “he’s way too good for me” feeling.  I know that this is really bad and I try to tell myself it’s silly. I’m afraid I’m projecting out what’s going on inside. Do you have any suggestions about what I can do? ~ MK, MA

Dear MK,

I hope you know that what you’re describing is a common feeling for women; in fact, it hits men, too.  Let’s work on getting you to a more powerful place, so you can be out there shining your brilliance, and attracting a great man to you.


Remember that the message you’re hearing, although old and deeply ingrained (based on “I’m not good enough”), is simply a thought that has been repeated often and FEELS like the truth. It is NOT the truth, however, it is a LIE.  The issue is that your subconscious mind cannot differentiate between what’s real and what is not.  It’s going to believe as reality whatever it hears most frequently.


Here’s the simple (yet hard to do) solution: inundate your mind with the message that you want to believe as the truth. Ironically, this IS the truth – that you are infinitely worthy of what you want, and that you’re good enough to attract the right man for you.  For the purposes of this exercise, it’s best if you come up with your own language for this “mantra” or “declaration” – something that creates a deep feeling of “knowing” in you.  The more of a response you feel in your body, the more impactful it’s likely to be for you.


If you decide to take this on – and I highly recommend that you do – just be ready for the old message to sound even louder and more “true”.  The old habitual belief, which is really your fear, does not want to let go.  That part of you feels that you’re in danger of annihilation if you allow yourself to risk believing that you deserve what you want.
To successfully change your beliefs you need the following:
•    Commitment – this is what you have guiding you.  It’s what you draw on when you don’t believe your new “mantra”, and when the old message is taking hold strongly. You stand on the knowledge that your commitment to having the relationship you really want, particularly the one with yourself, is more important than anything else.
•    Discipline – this is how you act on your commitment.  You do the work, no matter how you feel – whether too tired, too scared, too bored, too distrustful of the outcome, or anything else that your fear will manufacture.  Please expect that your fear will present many obstacles along this path.
•    Compassion – this is what you draw on when you are feeling the old negative self-talk coming up again (“this is bad”, “this is silly”), or when you see that you’ve reverted back to old fear-based behavior.  By the way, I intentionally said “when”, not “if”, because it will be a part of your life for a long time.  Whenever you step outside your comfort zone (and, by definition, feel fear), your first impulse will be the most practiced – that makes sense, doesn’t it? So, instead of the critical attack on yourself, try saying something like: “I must be pretty nervous right now, and my old, fear-based beliefs are trying to take over.  I’m safe to believe that I am worthy of having what I want, and I know I can handle whatever happens.” Make sure that the soothing message you use is one that works the same way as the “mantra” we talked about earlier, meaning that it resonates in your body.


The other thing you mentioned in your question was that you were afraid you were projecting out what you were feeling inside.  I’d like to tell you that that isn’t true, but your suspicion is reality. We’re always communicating our attitudes and beliefs, no matter what we’re saying or doing.  I have only one thing to say about men picking up on your feeling: SO WHAT?  You’re doing the best you can, and you’re learning.  Stay unattached to any outcome (I know this is way easier said than done), and enjoy being out there and flirting/mingling with men. Think of it as practice.  See yourself as courageous enough to even BE out there, and look at the responses you’re getting from men as important feedback about how your practice is going.


If you work this program consistently enough, and stay on your path – no matter how you feel – you’ll start to notice that you’re feeling good about yourself more often than not.  You’ll become aware of a sense that you’re worthy of what you want.  You’ll start to see an upgrade in the men who are coming into your life.  Ultimately, you will attract a great man with whom you can spend your life.  In the meantime, enjoy the journey, and remember to HAVE FUN!