He Does Not Really Want You


I’m in love with a guy who does not feel the same way about me.  When he calls me to get together, I jump at the chance (which is only about every few weeks or so).  Is there a possibility that this could lead to me having what I want – a committed relationship? – Kimberly, MA

Hi Kimberly,

Oh, sweetness, I feel for you and what you’re dealing with.  Reading your question I got flashbacks to some earlier experiences with men.  Ouch!

I’m guessing you want to hear the truth, rather than continuing to operate from wishful thinking.

Bravo for your courage!  (It can be so easy to just keep going, living on hope, can’t it?)

The Danger of Being With a Man Who Doesn’t Reciprocate Your Feelings

What I’m intending to do with this list is to have you get how harmful it is to spend time with a man who doesn’t return your feelings of love, so that you get out of that situation…and fast!

  • Because you want him to want you, you’re going to turn yourself inside-out to be/do/have what you believe it’s going to take to turn him into a man who digs you.  What does that do to your sense of yourself?  It destroys your sense of yourself
  • Because you’re operating from “I’m not good enough to be loved by him (yet)”, you’ll end up spiraling downward into more of that feeling of not being good enough, which then has you do more of what’s causing the downward spiral, which…
  • Your biggest fear of being rejected and abandoned by a man is actually being done to you, BY YOU; you’re actually abandoning your true self in favor of being the woman you believe he’s going to want…disaster.
  • You are also cutting off the possibility of being pursued by a man who is available, because the kind of woman an available man is going to be attracted to is a mirror; she’s also fully available, and you’ve got this other man all over your relationship “space” – a partial occupant, if you will.

How am I doing so far – convinced?

OK…how about this?  You’re likely to get angrier and more resentful, not to mention more distrustful of and negative about men, because of what this man is “doing to you”.

Meanwhile, what is more true is that you’re doing it to yourself.  He’s just accepting what you’re willing to give.

So, what do you do?

  • Connect with what you really want – see it, feel it, own it
  • Let him know that you’re moving on because you want something he can’t give you, although you appreciate what you’ve had together (whatever is authentic for you)
  • End all connections with him, of any kind, so that you can free up that emotional space that he’s in right now – you want it open and available for the right man
  • Surround yourself with lots of loving support to get you through this phase, because it’s likely to hurt like hell, and be scary.

I know that you’ll look back on this relationship some day and feel grateful for the lessons, and feel so proud of yourself for moving on, because of what you have with the great man you ended up with, and the great life you share together.

You can do this, and you deserve to!