How to Get Him to Propose

Dear Karen,

 I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 18 months now, and it’s been really great lately.  In fact, I’ve decided recently that I want to marry him.  My question to you is this: how do I get him to propose to me soon?  I want to have us be in the same home, share our lives completely, and I don’t see that he’s quite in the same place I am – at least, not right now.  I’d love to get your help.  Thanks!  – Janet, NH

Hi, Janet,

Congratulations on your wonderful relationship, and on knowing he’s the one you want to build a future with – it’s a very special stage.  Enjoy every morsel of it.


You said that you recently decided he was “the one”.  And it’s important that you take all the time in the world you need, in order to come to a decision that is authentically yours, and not driven by any outside pressures…and I mean ANY – including from your man!

What this tells me is that, until the point where you knew he was it for you, the message you were communicating to him (and this is rarely happening verbally and openly, by the way) was something like:

“I like you, but I’m not sure you’re good enough yet for me to choose.”  (I’m giving this to you the way a man would be more likely to experience/”hear” it.)


What that would mean is that he’d be more likely to keep things a little closer to the vest; a little reluctant to risk it all by asking you to marry him, when he couldn’t be certain that your answer would be “Yes!”.

Men are pretty risk-averse in their relationships with women.

And the more they care about a woman, the more it would hurt to be rejected (this includes in the bedroom, by the way, for those of you who are wondering what happened to the man who used to initiate intimate connection and doesn’t so do it so often, these days.).

Your job, at this point, is to just stay in that emotional, mental, and physical place of choosing him, and demonstrate it in the way you are with him.  Make sure you have a vision for your relationship which you use as your guide in what you do, how you are, decisions you make, etc.


Oh, and don’t start talking with him about when you’re going to be married – that will just feel like control/pressure to him (never a good plan!).  Hey, until just recently, he wasn’t even getting it that you wanted him.

Give yourself the gift of having him get there under his own head of steam, propose to you on his terms, in his time-frame…and you never having to wonder whether you “made him” do it.

Practice being in the present, to the best of your ability.  After all, your life is being created in the “now”, not in the past – or in the future.  If you take care of now, the future will take care of itself.

I wish for you and your man a lifetime of love, compassion, generosity and joy.