Is Spark a Requirement?

Dear Karen,

I have been seeing a guy for a few weeks now, and, although he’s nice enough and everything, I just don’t feel that “spark” with him.  My question is this: am I being too picky?  Should I just get over it and keep going out with him?  Or is this telling me to move on?  Thanks for any light you can shed on my situation! – Lucy, NH

Dear Lucy,

This ought to have a few ears perking up – boy, are you in a common situation for women!


Now I don’t want anyone to take me for a party-pooper here, but I have to tell you that, for the majority of women, that instant and powerful chemistry (we all seem to love so much) is often an instant recognition of the same “type” of man who ends up being such trouble, heartache, and keeps fortifying our inner belief that “we just can’t have what we really want.”

So, what’s a gal to do?  So glad you asked.


If you’ve been reading this newsletter for any time at all, you know that I often mention the importance of knowing what your requirements are for a man, as well as what your vision is for the relationship.  I cannot stress this enough: if you don’t have that map with you at all times, you will probably be distracted by a stunning view, or a detour that beckons you just so irresistibly.

You can’t afford to take any more of those detours…they’re harmful to your heart, to your spirit and to your belief system.

Do you know what qualities a man must have, in order for you to choose him?  Do you know what kind of relationship you’d better create, if you’re (both) going to be able to be fulfilled in the relationship?  If your answer is “no”, then you’ve got work to do.  This information is already inside of you, by the way; it’s simply a matter of giving yourself time – and permission – to know the truth, and then to act on it.


The other main issue often at play when women deal with this (when it doesn’t feel “right”, but you keep going anyway) is not feeling inherently worthy of having what they really want.  That will keep women ready to settle for less than what they want, because they’re afraid they can’t have what they want anyway, so they’d better stick with what they do have.

The danger in that approach is that, no matter how much you tell yourself you aren’t really worthy of what you want (and you do tell yourself this message many, many times a day, in so many ways), there’s a part of you that resents that; that can’t surrender to that “truth”, and feels very hurt by the way things are going.  Just notice your pain or discomfort as you try to settle to know that there’s a strong part of you that “knows” something else is possible.

Do you spend even one second trying to change gravity?  Of course not…because there’s nothing you can do about it.  It’s just the way it is, and spending any time trying to change it is a silly waste of time.

If you feel strong negative feelings while trying to “accept the truth” of your lack of worthiness, there’s a part of you that’s saying “NO!”  Listen to that voice, because that’s the part of you that knows that you CAN have more.

In the end, you’re better off alone, than trying to make a relationship work with a man who’s not right for you.

One final note: it’s also possible, with this belief in your unworthiness, to push men away who could be a good fit for you.  All the more reason to have your “map” of your qualities and your vision…that way, you can stick out the discomfort of having what you really want.