Never Go Farther Than You Want

Dear Karen,

I think I’ve made a mistake, and I would love your help.  I’ve been out with a man a couple of times (I’m really attracted to him), and the other night, we went farther than I think I was comfortable with.  I guess I got caught up in the moment.  Now I’m afraid that was all he wanted from me, and I won’t hear from him again.  How can I rectify this situation? – Cindy, D.C.

Hi, Cindy,

Love this question!  I’m sure you know that you are *not* alone in this situation, right?

You Are the Chooser

Please, please, please – no matter what (how “hot” he is, how long it’s been, what your weight/age/income/education/etc) – never forget that you are the chooser, and not any man.

How can I say something that may seem completely counter to what you’ve been feeling (and doing)?

Because when you do what so many women do, which is turn yourself into a pretzel to be/do/have what you think a man wants from you, here’s what happens:

  • You abandon/judge your true authentic self as not good enough – long before he can;
  • You have given a man power over you, and you don’t even know if he’s a fit for you;
  • A man who’s the kind of man you want isn’t going to be attracted to a woman who rejects herself and lacks confidence (how’s that for a kicker???);
  • Dating is *not* enjoyable when you’re in “pretzel” mode, trying to be what you think he wants;

There’s more, but this is a good start…

Intimacy Before You’re Ready is a Disaster

One of the consequences of giving your power away when you’re dating is that you run the risk of compromising yourself in order to please (or keep) a man.

Never do that. Ever.

Please make this promise to yourself: “I will never do anything with a man that I’m not absolutely ready to do, and if he isn’t able to respect that, he’s not a man I can choose.”

And I can assure you that the men who are the real “keepers” are completely willing to respect your boundaries.  It makes you more appealing, frankly.

Now, are they going to try?  Of course they are!

If a man is attracted to you, he will (most likely) try to advance the physical aspect of your connection.  It’s up to you to manage things.

I’ll suggest a nice way to handle this (practically inevitable) issue:

Say something like this to him (only if it’s true!):

“I’m attracted to you, and I am looking forward to experiencing more physical connection (or however you want to say that)…when I’m ready.  I am not there yet.  I promise you I will tell you when I am.”

So you’ve taken care of a few things in that one statement:

  1. you take care of his feelings by letting him know you’re attracted to him (takes it out of the “total rejection” category);
  2. you are managing your boundaries, which will allow for more development of trust between you;
  3. you’re taking a proactive role in how things are unfolding between you.

I hope this helped!