Nice Guys – Not Bad Boys – Should Finish First


Is there something wrong with me?  Nice men want to be with me, but I am just not attracted to them.  I seem to always gravitate towards the “bad boy”, even though I know it doesn’t work.  Help! – Mary

Hi, Mary,

You’re dealing with something that so many women grapple with – and, you’re absolutely right…it does not work.


I don’t want to scare you (well, okay – I do), but if you’re using chemistry (that feeling that you *must have him, or you’ll die*) as your signal to connect with a man, then you’re going to keep ending up at the same destination you’ve arrived at so many times before: heartbreak!

We all have a “type” that we resonate with, and, for most of us, that thing we unconsciously recognize in a millisecond is the first clue that we’re about to repeat old (unsuccessful) patterns.

For years now, I’ve been coaching women that when their hormones are raging and they can’t think clearly because they’re so “into” a man they just met, to “run in the opposite direction, as fast as possible”.

Think of it as a drug you’re addicted to.  Use whatever imagery, or self-talk, that will work to reel you back from the brink of disaster, so you can use your head.


When you’re focused on choosing the man you’ll spend your life with (and women I work with are typically on that track, versus partying and having a good time), you have got to have your head fully engaged, and your emotions more in check.

Don’t worry, I am NOT saying that you’ll never feel chemistry or attraction again; what I am saying is that, rather than using that as your *first* criteria, you’re now going to use it as the “frosting on the cake”.

Once you’ve determined that a man has all your required qualities, you can test for attraction.  If there really is none, then you move on.

Note: please know what your non-negotiable requirements are, and never compromise on them.  If you don’t know what they are, stop dating immediately, figure out what they are, and then you can get back out there.

There are so many wonderful men out there who would make excellent husbands, fabulous fathers, and marvelous partners as you navigate through your life together.  But you’ve got to give them a chance to win your heart.  They are not necessarily going to be the men who ring your chimes immediately…  they’ll be the type that will grow on you, more likely.

You have to decide what you want: a successful, lifetime relationship with a man who will love you and be there for you, no matter what, or a continuing series of frustrating, painful experiences that leave you with a broken heart, a bad attitude, and profound regret for all the time that has been lost, trying to convert an unavailable “bad boy” into the man of your dreams.