Read or Needy?

Dear Karen,

I met a man recently who started emailing or calling at least once (if not several times) a day – almost immediately.  At first I was enjoying the attention, but it’s feeling like it’s a bit much…am I just not letting myself have what I say I want? – Eileen

Dear Eileen,

I love how you’re reacting to something, and being willing to question whether it’s your resistance to getting what you want, or there’s really something there to resist.

Trust Your Gut

If you’re feeling like it’s a bit much, it is.

In all the years I’ve been coaching women, I haven’t seen too many cases where a woman had a gut feeling early on that didn’t turn out to be completely on the money as time went on.  You know way more than you think you do.

In fact, I’d go so far as to say that there is more value to you in listening to your gut, trusting it, and acting on it, than to wait it out and gather enough external evidence to make sure you’re right.

Even if, in hindsight, you learn that you may have been overreacting.

Most women’s struggle is with trusting and acting on their own inner guidance, and that’s the most important thing to nurture and grow.

So, you leave a few good men in your wake as you fine-tune your gut.  It’s okay!

There are lots of great men out there.  Let yourself believe in that abundance, let go of the scarcity mindset, and keep on going.  As long as you’re kind, and are doing your best in the process, it will be a growing experience for everyone.

Beware of Needy Men

There’s a difference between a man who’s ready for a relationship, and a man who is needy of a relationship.

The former will pursue you, will be open with you, and will let you know where he stands.  And he’ll have balance in his life.  You’ll feel good about the amount of attention you’re getting from him.

The latter will be operating from fear/lack, and will have you feeling like you don’t have enough space to breathe.

Now, as you’ve probably heard me say if you’ve been an Ask the Coach reader for any length of time: “Like attracts like”.

This is a critically important principle to keep in mind – not just in dating, but in life.  We’re always looking at a mirror of who and what we are.  That’s the truth – and we can accept it and work with it as a powerful teacher, and move toward what we want, or we can resist it and basically have it become even more entrenched as a reality in our lives.

If you’ve attracted a needy man, you would be smart to look inside yourself for where you may be in a place of neediness, lack, or fear.  The truth shall set you free.  You are where you are, and that’s the place to start.

Denying Yourself What You Want

I also want to address the question you posed about the possibility that you’re just not letting yourself have what you say you want.

Again, I would direct you back to your gut feeling; is that true, or is it that your suitor is too needy of a relationship?

If you are denying yourself, that’s going to take some work, because you’re probably dealing with a deeper issue of feeling worthy. That doesn’t change quickly (although with enough focus and discipline, it is absolutely doable!).  If that is true for you, find help (coaching is great for this issue, as is working with a trusted counselor).

In Conclusion

Trusting ourselves is one of the most important things we can do in our lives.  It’s worth doing whatever we have to do so that we’re able to listen to that inner guidance (and we all have it).  Some of us have to listen very, very carefully though, because we’re not used to paying attention to the messages.  Happily, it’s one of those things that grows quickly when it’s valued.