Self-Love is the Answer

Dear Karen,

I have been seeing a guy I really, really like, and he’s not calling me as much as I want.  How can I get him to show more interest in me? – Jill, CT

Dear Jill,

First of all, awesome that you’ve met someone you like.  It’s a great feeling, isn’t it?  The adrenaline that courses through your body, the way your heart beats to the point it feels like it’s about to jump out of your chest, the way it’s so hard to concentrate on mundane things like work, driving, eating.  Hey, wait…are we talking about love, or are we talking about drugs?  Just kidding.  Well, actually, I’m not.  And it’s a great place to launch from, as we explore this month’s topic.

The “Fix”

It is really important to be able to separate the chemistry/reaction that is happening for you physiologically (and it’s a scientifically-proven phenomenon that you do go through a chemical change when ‘in love’), from the important process you must undertake so that you know you’ve ended up with the right man for you.

Otherwise, what you end up being controlled by is the need for another “fix” of your (love) drug.

As I say to clients all the time, it is eventually very important to feel that you have chemistry with the man you choose for a long-term relationship.  It will carry you both through the inevitable “learning opportunities” that you will experience in your life together.

What’s NOT a good idea is to turn that initial feeling of chemistry into all the evidence you need that he is “The One” for you.  (This is only one part of what may be going on behind the scenes for you, but worth mentioning.)

There is one more aspect to your question that is, in my experience (both personally, and with the many women I’ve coached through the years), a likely situation:  you are not feeling very certain of your worth/value/attractiveness as a woman, and need to have his reassurance that you are lovable.

“If He Loves Me, Then I Am Lovable”

When women are externally-focused for validation of their worth, it’s clear that there isn’t much internal validation (basically, a good sense of self-esteem) going on.

If this is the case, no man will ever be able to shower you with enough attention, the right way, in the right time, to make you feel that you deserve to be loved.

Not a chance.

You won’t be able to see, or receive, more love than you already feel for yourself.

For more about this, I recommend reading “A Woman’s Self-Esteem” by Nathaniel Branden.  You will get some great perspective, as well as some good tools to work with in improving your sense of self-worth.

Be Clear About Your Requirements and Your Vision

Once you’ve accurately assessed the first two areas we’ve talked about, the next areas to focus on are whether or not

  1. you know what qualities you require in a man, and what you want to create in a relationship and in your life, and
  2. knowing what those are, then being able to determine whether or not a man fits what you must have.

If you aren’t clear about your requirements and vision, you are way more likely to be caught up in the addictive qualities when attraction and chemistry are running the show.

If you are clear, fabulous!

Now, your job is to stick to what you know to be true, regardless of how enticing the hunk is that you’re spending time with.

I know, how cruel can life be?

You will be happy to know that the chemistry you’ll eventually feel when you allow yourself to be with the right man for you is powerful – and dependable.

Act As If…

What I mean by this is simply that if you if you want to end up in a fulfilling, wonderful relationship with a man who loves you, you must hold yourself in high esteem, and you get there by acting as if it is true.  No matter how you’re feeling.

How do you do this?

Here’s a list of suggestions:

  • be clear about your requirements and vision, and an action plan to stay on track;
  • have a great, nurturing support system in place (friends, groups, coaching);
  • be guided by what’s important to you, and live your life in a way that honors that (instead of waiting for a man, just start living your vision immediately);
  • make plans with friends/family (or on your own) that keep you feeling vibrant and excited about you and your life;
  • take care of yourself – your body, heart, soul and environment – in a way that says “I love, honor and cherish myself”;
  • trust that if you “Be What You Seek” – meaning that you are being true to yourself and your vision – you will attract the right man for you;
  • let go of needing to control the “who/what/when/how”.  Relax and trust the journey…

In Conclusion

It can be very hard to be patient, as you hope for the right man to come into your life.  It will be excruciating, however, if you don’t really believe you deserve what you want.

This can cause behavior (control, manipulation, sulking, taking things personally, judgment of yourself or a man, etc.) that will NOT get you what you are seeking (to be loved, cherished, to be able to trust unconditionally, to be intimate and vulnerable, etc.).

What you want to focus on is being clear about who you are, what you value, what you want in your life, how you will feel most fulfilled, and create that life now.  No waiting.  The man who is right for you will find you; have faith, and go live a great life starting right now.

As an added bonus, not only will you be happier without having to rely on anyone else, happy women who like themselves are extremely attractive to men.  You may have noticed that I did not answer your question about how you could get this man to pay more attention to you…I hope the answer has become clear to you.