The Cost of Controlling Your Man

Hello Karen,

My husband just went through a medical “event”, and is not following doctor’s orders.  I’m really trying to get him to do what he’s supposed to be doing, but nothing I try – reminding, yelling, begging, crying – nothing is working to get him to be a good patient.  What can I do? I am worried sick, and he doesn’t seem to care one bit about how what he’s doing is impacting me! — Emily, FL

Hi, Emily,

I’m sorry to hear that you’re worried sick.  My husband and I went through an awful “event” a few years ago, and I think it took me six months to “exhale”!

I’m going to give you advice that you may not like, Emily, but I do think it will create some relief…for both of you.

Let’s talk about our inclination toward control, shall we?  (Because if you’re like most of us gals, it’s something that you battle with, right?)

Submit or Resist

When we try to control our men, they really only have two options:

1.) Submit

This means that they tuck their tail (or their balls) in between their legs and do whatever it is we’re trying to make them do, so that they don’t get in trouble with us.

The problem with that – as hard as some women try to get men to submit to their control – is that it causes two huge issues:

a) it pisses them off, which can cause all sorts of trouble like a lack of motivation to try to make us happier, to withholding other things that we want/need from them, to being more vulnerable to other women who make them feel better about who they are as men…it’s pretty dangerous, and

b) it causes us to lose our attraction to them.

So, basically, submission on their part is a real relationship killer.

The other option they have:

2.) Resist

This means that they can turn into uncooperative, belligerent, rebellious men.  They can get mean, nasty, hurtful (and men know how to cause injury, when they want to…or are driven to!).

The problem with that?

Men hate themselves when they’re treating their woman like an enemy.  It goes against what they’re biologically wired to do, which is to protect us and provide for us.

That’s what they want to do, what makes them feel great to do, and, of course, it’s what we want from them!

The solution?

If you’re not sure that he’s clear about what would make you happy, and why (to follow doctor’s orders so that he’s as healthy as possible, and since you love him so much, that makes you happy), then tell him…

…one time…

…when he’s able to hear you.  So make sure you’ve gotten his attention (and when he’s available to focus on you).

Then love him up, make your request, and…the hard part…let it go.  Trust him.

Yup – no matter what.

This doesn’t mean that you have to take care of him if he screws himself up by not following doctor’s orders.  That is something you have to decide for yourself.  And let him know – not in a bitchy/get-even way, but in a “this is what’s true for me” way – what you will and won’t do, if that happens.

Emily, I hope this helps.