They All Look

Hello Karen,

My boyfriend has a habit that drives me absolutely crazy, and he’s done it for most of the two years that we’ve been together: when an attractive woman walks by, he checks her out.  He doesn’t even try to hide it!  I mean, I’m right there with him!  WTF???  Doesn’t he know it makes me feel insecure?  Is he trying to make me feel bad?  Help! — Liz, CT

Hi, Liz,

I’m going to answer your question with a story that my husband has been sharing for years.

Back in the old days, when we watched TV, we would often watch the David Letterman show.  If you don’t know this, he would always walk out with a gorgeous woman on each arm…every night.

Craig: “Just how many women does he have in his stable, anyway????”

Me: “Just two.”

Craig: “How do you know?”

Me: “Because I look at their faces.”

We howled with laughter, and still do, each time he tells the story.  In fact, the audience that laughs the loudest – every time – is the men.  They get it.

It’s Not Personal

Men looking at beautiful women is instinct.

If you heard a baby crying, would you feel a tug to take care of the problem (even if you didn’t know the baby)?  If not, is there anything else that would turn your head, every time?

It doesn’t mean anything, does it?

You have a few choices here:

  1. you can just let it go, and know that, even if he’s looking at women, he’s with you;
  2. you can join in the fun (I very often will point out a woman to Craig with some comment like “Wow, isn’t she stunning!!”, or “She’s got one hot body!”  His reply, smirking, is “I’m married.  I don’t look any more.” We have quite the fun routine down…);
  3. you can use it as a vehicle for working on your self-esteem, because that may be an issue for you;
  4. you could tease him about it, and then, when the moment’s right, just ask him to be more subtle about it when you’re together, because it – and you have to own this part – causes your self-esteem to take a little hit.

Oh, and by the way, they also fantasize about having s-e-x with other women, too.

But maybe that was “TMI” (too much information).

Find your sense of humor about it, because that’s a way shorter process than changing men’s DNA.  If I were you, I wouldn’t try to take that on.