What is the Balance in Your Love Account?

Dear Karen,

 I really need help!  I’ve been married for a while, and am finding myself wondering if I’m with the right man for me.  I’m just not as happy as I was when we were first married.  I feel scared.  What should I do? ~ C.W.

Dear C.W.,

I appreciate your vulnerability in asking this question.  I know there are many women out there that will get much from our discussion about this sensitive topic. 


I am going to assume that in the beginning of your relationship, and as you went through the sometimes giddy, sometimes terrifying journey to your wedding day, you were in love with your husband, and you had no doubts he was the right man for you.

In this stage, you are both perfect; those little annoying things that try to get in the way of your perfect vision, as seen through your rose-colored glasses, get swept under the carpet quickly and easily – for a while. 


During this magical time, both of you are so busy making deposits in the love account, it just couldn’t be any better. You can’t do enough for each other, and you feel like you float through your day, periodically getting grounded long enough to think of yet another sweet gesture that says “I’m crazy about you!”  This account is very important, as it sustains both of you throughout the relationship.  That is, as long as there is a positive balance. 


The stage so many couples fall into, and don’t seem to get out of on their own, is when the account has been tapped into more than it’s been replenished, and it’s been going on too long.  The love account is overdrawn.  This process is usually started by one partner, with the other one following suit fairly quickly. 

What was once a never-ending quest to find new ways to be generous with love, affection, time, sex, etc., turns into an elaborate judging and score-keeping system.  For every “I give one”, there’s “I better get two”, just to get back to a place where things are “even-steven”.  The problem is that every “give” is done from that place of keeping a tally, so it doesn’t ever feel right – to either one of you.


There are lots of things that potentially interfere with our loving feelings for our mates: 

  • Money struggles
  • Health issues
  • One of you being out of work and not being/feeling productive
  • Unresolved conflicts that build quite a head of resentment
  • Low on the self-esteem scale (lots of causes for long- and short-term problems, such as an aging/over or underweight/poor body-image, making a mistake, being passed up for a promotion, etc.)
  • Comparing to what others have, and having your mate “come up short”
  • Feeling tired after a long day at work, whether in an office or at home with kids
  • Having your family or friends being critical of your mate
  • Dealing with difficulties in child-rearing (and many stages are difficult!)
  • (Add yours here)


My advice to you, C.W., so that you can stop feeling scared about whether or not you married the right man, is to start making consistent deposits in the love account, no matter how you feel. 

Just like you used to do.

Here’s an interesting phenomenon:  When you are focused on what you’re not getting, or on how hard your life together feels, you will tend to get more of the same. 

 Conversely, if you focus on what you like or love about your life, or about him, and how lucky you feel, you will attract more of that. 

 Pay close attention to where your attention is going, for that is what you are growing.

 You really CAN change how you feel about being married to your husband.  It is not even that complicated – although it will probably feel hard at first, depending on how deeply entrenched you have gotten in the habit of making withdrawals from your love account. 

 For instance, what were the special things you used to do that were your own “language of love” with, and/or for, your husband?  For instance, did you: 

  • Send him cards and/or emails with sweet words?
  • Cook him his favorite food?
  • Look at him adoringly?
  • Snuggle when you were on the couch?
  • Let him overhear you bragging about him?
  • Dress in a way that said you wanted to please him?
  • Tell him how much you loved him?
  • Love having sex with him, and let him know?
  • Share your hopes, dreams, fears…and trust his love?
  • Appreciate any little thing he did for you?

 All you have to do is start/keep doing those things, and make sure you’re doing more of them than of the withdrawals you’ve been making from the love account.  Then enjoy watching the balance grow, and revel in all the dividends your abundant love account will pay! 

 I’ll bet you can fall in love all over again, or feel more deeply in love with him (and in a pretty short amount of time, too).

 The other thing to do is make sure you have a relationship vision that is absolutely vibrant for you, and a true expression of what is in your heart to create with your husband, family and community.  Then, follow that “map” as if your life depended on it.  In a way, the best part of your life does depend on it.   


I am not, contrary to the way I may sound, a complete Pollyanna (although I do – happily – lean that way quite a bit!).  I do know that there are issues that come up in marriage.  Hey, there isn’t one of us that married a perfect man. (And, need I say it?  None of our husbands married perfect women!)

 Go back to the basics.  What do (did) you love about him?  Why did you marry him?  What did you promise to him the day you exchanged your vows? 

 Once you have remembered that – and are trusting he wants you to be happy – ask him for what you need.  If he feels your love and respect, he is WAY more likely to listen to you, and try to give you what you need.  Don’t wait to start this program.  Depending on how long it’s been since the love account has been replenished, it may take a while to have him respond favorably.  Keep trusting that you married the right man for you, and focus on believing that he truly wants to make you happy.  Just fatten the account up first, and then see what happens.


One of the things I find myself saying to clients time and time again is actually a phrase I came across years ago in a book:  “Perception is a choice”.  Not only is it a choice, but it will create reality.  So, if the man you married was close to perfect when you were first together (mostly your perception), realize that you have the power to re-create that.  And you will be the biggest beneficiary of that perception, believe me. 

 Make regular deposits in the love account – for your sake as well as his – so you have a place to get what you need, when you really need it.  As the old saying goes, “If you really want something, give it.”