Dear Karen,
I have been on a few online dating sites, and am just not having any luck! I feel like I’ve got a great profile, I’m attractive and fun, but all I seem to meet is one jerk after another! It’s so annoying! I kinda feel like I want to throw in the towel, but I keep hearing all these stories about women who are meeting great men online, and I don’t want to quit too soon. So – where are all these supposedly “great men”, and why can’t I seem to find one? – Cynthia, NJ
Dear Cynthia,
If you’ve been reading this newsletter for any length of time, you know I’m a huge fan of online dating, so good job already being on a few sites…hooray for you!
Now, let’s get down to the issue I suspect is creating your disappointing results:
Your attitude about men doesn’t seem to be very helpful!
True, I’m going on very little info from your question to get to this, but it sure sounds like that’s (at least) a part of what’s going on for you.
ATTTITUDE IS A POWERFUL MAGNET
I can’t tell you how many times (and it numbers somewhere in the hundreds!) I’ve had this type of conversation with a woman over the years I’ve been doing this work:
She: “I can’t believe it! No matter what I do with my profile, every single man who contacts me is (fill in the blank here with: “not yet divorced; pulls a disappearing act right after telling me how he wants to get together; unemployed; broke; angry with his ex; much older/younger than me”…you get the idea, right?).
Me: “Let’s uncover what you’re expecting to attract, okay? I think we may see that there’s a direct match here.”
She: “I expect to attract what I want!”
Me: “Really? Are you sure about that?”
(More poking around for a bit…)
She: “Oh, wow! I really AM expecting to attract negative experiences through this! I never knew that!”
Here’s something to know, as you prepare/continue to work with online dating sites: no matter what you say in your profile, the “magnet” you’re actually operating is whatever your attitudes/expectations are about the experience.
If you think all the men are going to lie to you, or hurt you, or if you think that the entire situation is going to be painful, or boring, or time-consuming…whatever you believe, is what you will experience.
You can take that to the bank, Cynthia.
ADJUST THE MAGNET
So, how do you shift whatever needs to change, so that you are truly aligned with what you want to attract?
The very first order of business is to make sure you know, accept, and love, without a question or doubt, who you are. Then, based on that knowledge, to know what you require in a man and in a relationship. Without these things in place, you are absolutely building a house of cards, and you’re doing it on shifting ground, to boot!
Next order of business is to unearth any negative attitudes and expectations you have about men…and you need to understand that you are packing those suckers around, everywhere you go, and everyone else can sense them.
Once you’ve allowed yourself to see what those are, it’s time to shift them. It takes work, but the good news is that you can change any belief you’ve got. So, if there’s an old belief in there that truly doesn’t serve you, replace it with a more helpful (and probably more true!) belief.
ESSENTIAL INVESTMENTS TO MAKE
If you invest yourself in those few, but critical, aspects of creating the foundation for your right relationship, my bet is that you’ll start to experience much better results on these dating sites.
Have fun!