Dear Karen,
I’ve started dating online again and I am astonished at literally the countless number of men’s profiles who say “no drama please”. What exactly do they mean by this? I feel as though either they are unrealistic about relationships or they don’t understand women. Am I onto something or missing the boat altogether? I’ve seen it in so many profiles that it is starting to be a big turnoff. Thanks! ~ Kara
Hi, Kara,
Love the question! It’s a wonderful vehicle for talking about one of my very favorite topics, which is the difference between men and women.
Feelings = Drama?
For men, whenever a woman is expressing feelings, they’ll hear it as either:
1) their responsibility to fix something, or
2) they’re being accused of doing something wrong.
Can you see how challenging it would be for a man to be with a woman who is emoting, particularly if she’s upset and feeling passionate about it (a.k.a. “drama”)?
You did touch on this when you asked whether it was because men don’t understand women.
Bingo!
Your question, however, also speaks to how most women don’t understand men, either.
UNSPOKEN NEEDS
There’s one other thing going on that causes men to feel like there’s too much drama in relationships with women: women don’t express their needs in a way men can hear.
In fact, many women don’t express them AT ALL, expecting/hoping that her man cares enough about her (and often that’s what’s going on for women) to “know”, without having to be asked (or asked again).
This is a disastrous situation for relationships!
Men want to make us happy.
If you don’t know that, or trust that, about men, you are missing the proverbial boat.
But here’s the thing: we need to be ** very clear ** with men about what will make us happy.
This brings us right back to needing to let them know, which means having to get over the idea that if he really cared, he’d already know.
By the way, this includes if you have to let him know repeatedly – some of the things we need are so foreign to men that it takes them a while to “get it” (such as being listened to when we’re upset, without his needing to fix it or kill it!)
MEN ARE RISK-AVERSE
Men want to succeed at things they take on. Their biological programming is all about getting it right, because if they don’t, they die – which means they can’t provide for, or protect, their women and children.
In order to succeed, they have to have a few things in place:
• Definition of success (you letting him know what you need, and as often as necessary)
• Belief that he’s capable of doing it (partly his sense of self, partly your trust in him)
• Space and time to do the job (that’s all about letting him know what you want, and then letting him do it his way, in his time-frame – and not being a nag!)
• Energy to get the job done (appreciation and gratitude from you – and that is even when he’s gotten close, but not quite on the mark)
Here’s the bottom line: if you make it a priority to understand men, have compassion for them, and respect and appreciate who they are, you are going to have a lifetime of men trying their best to make you happy.
How cool is that?