Why Do Men Disappear?

Hi, Karen,

I have a pattern I’m seeing: I meet a man, we go out a few times, I really like him and he seems to really like me, and then he disappears.  What is going on?  I can’t take this much longer, before I just quit on the whole man thing! – Cindy, NJ

Dear Cindy,

Thanks for your open and honest question and I can assure you that you’re not alone…this is a question I get quite often.

Obviously, from this question alone, I can’t tell you exactly which (if any) of these are your particular thing to work on, but they’re pretty common, so I’m guessing you’ll feel a big “ah-ha!” with at least one of these.

What Can Cause a Man to Go “Bye”

  • Your signals of interest in him are not clear – men are pretty risk-adverse re: women; the better you are at communicating your interest in him (without going into pursuit/masculine mode), the better your dating experiences will be.
  • Attachment – whether this is coming from the dreaded “chemistry”, or from “scarcity”, when you go into “I must have you”, it’s like grabbing a wet bar of soap in the shower too hard…it will just go away, and fast.
  • Giving too much – many women suffer from this syndrome: “me *plus* what I give will make me lovable”, and that puts women into “give” mode with men.  With some men (the ones who don’t have much to give and will take what you’re offering) that’s fine, and with most women, that’s not really fine.  The men are supposed to become more giving when she’s given “enough”, not less.  The men who want to give have little attraction to a woman who gives too much (initially).
  • Not receiving well – whether it’s because she’s giving too much, or just can’t receive from men, the men who are ready to be in a relationship are hugely motivated by wanting to make a difference and to provide, so if you’re a woman who struggles with receiving, men will not stick around.
  • You’re not really available – this is for men who are available, because the ones who are not will flock to women who aren’t, either.  If your heart is not available (not healed from an ex, working through self-esteem issues, etc.), then a man who is available won’t stick around.
  • You’re very clear about your “blueprint” – this is a tricky one.  If you’re clear about who you are, who your man and relationship must be in order to be a great fit for you, men will sense when they don’t have what you’re looking for and not stick around.  This is actually a fabulous outcome, but if you’re attached, it’s hard to see it that way.  If he goes away, he’s done you a favor.

I hope you saw one (or more) of the reasons you may be experiencing what you’ve been seeing in your dating life.

Take care of what’s cookin’ with you, Cindy, and watch your love life heat right back up.  Have fun!