You Do Know What You Want


I think I’m done with men.  I just feel like I would have to turn myself completely inside-out to make one of them even choose me, never mind stay with me!  I am not interested in dealing with all the crap I would have to deal with, in order to have a man in my life.  I’m not sure what my question is, really, I just feel so defeated. – Veronica, NH

Hi, Veronica,

I’m going to reply to your question going on an assumption: since you wrote to me, I don’t believe you’re really done.  If you were truly done, you’d be able to find a lot of women to commiserate with, who have similar feelings.

But what you did do was write to a relationship coach, which gives me the idea that what you really want is some help to feel differently – and maybe even an idea about what you could do, in order to have better success with men.

Just maybe?

I do hear your frustration and pain, though.  Let’s see what we can come up with here.

There are two areas I suggest you focus on:

1) What do you want?

Knowing what you don’t want is extremely valuable information.  It also points to the fact that you have at least some idea of what you do want (otherwise, how could you know that you don’t want something?  It’s because it’s not what you want!).

If you just stay in the “I don’t want X”, it’s sort of like getting in your car and saying that you don’t want to go to NY.

Okay.  Got it.  So far, so good.

But if you don’t also decide where you DO want to go, your car will just sit there.  Or, I suppose, if you start driving around while you stay focused on not wanting to go to NY, you’ll just go wherever the road seems to take you.

Oh, and then there are all those forks in the road that need for you to make a decision about which one to take!  What do you use as your criteria for where you’re going: not NY?

You can see you probably wouldn’t have a very satisfying journey!

The good news is that you’ve got great info as a starting point.  Now you just want to take next steps.


Write down a list of all the things you do not want in a man or in a relationship.  Leave lots of space in between each item on your list.

Then, next to each item, write down what that suggests you would want…let yourself explore what it would mean to have the opposite of what you don’t want.

This will end up being a very powerful tool for you, because it’s basically the blueprint you would now use to choose the right man and relationship for you (or, to keep to our analogy of being in the car, it’s your map, with your destination figured out.).

Sort of like getting in the car and, instead of not wanting to go to NY, you’re really clear you want to go to Maine.  And then you start driving (and know what to do when you come upon a fork in the road, too!).

So that is one of the two areas I’d suggest you focus on.  Next one:

2)  Be true to who you are and to your values.

You said you felt like you’d have to turn yourself inside-out to make one of them choose you.  That says to me that you have a tendency to lose yourself in a relationship (very common for women).

This is not a very good plan.  After all, if you’ve turned yourself into someone you’re not, then the whole relationship is built on a house of cards – one little wind, or the ground shakes a little, and the whole thing comes tumbling down.

The best way to make sure you are magnetizing the right man (and relationship) to you is by being your authentic self.

If you meet a man – even if you think he could be the one – and you hold true to who you are, and then he leaves you…well, that’s the best clue you have that he is NOT the right one for you!  Celebrate that he removed himself from the running, leaving the way clear for a man who IS the right one to find you.

And in case you’re wondering, I don’t actually believe that every woman is, or should be, interested in a committed relationship with a man.  It’s a powerful choice to make, to be clear that it’s not for you, and then go build a life for yourself that excludes a man being part of it.

Just don’t make that decision from fear or from any misconceptions about men – that is a situation that is ripe for big regret later on in life.  I don’t want that for you.