Karen,
I am madly in love with my boyfriend, and I want to be married to him. Here’s my concern: I’ve asked him to stop doing something that bothers me, and he hasn’t done it yet. I’m feeling like I can’t trust him until he does what I’ve asked him to do. Thoughts? ~ Laura
Dear Laura,
I’m delighted for you that you’ve got a man you love, who you want to marry. He’s got to be one great guy.
Karen,
I am madly in love with my boyfriend, and I want to be married to him. Here’s my concern: I’ve asked him to stop doing something that bothers me, and he hasn’t done it yet. I’m feeling like I can’t trust him until he does what I’ve asked him to do. Thoughts? ~ Laura
Dear Laura,
I’m delighted for you that you’ve got a man you love, who you want to marry. He’s got to be one great guy.
Request, or Demand?
I am a huge fan of asking men for what we need from them. They thrive on being able to give to us, to please us, to make us happy.
Here’s the rub: if the way we ask is a demand, what we create is a no-win situation for our man – he has to either submit, or resist.
If he submits, he has lost his masculine edge.
That’s a problem on a few levels:
1) You are attracted to his masculine edge, and it’s one of the reasons you’re with him, so you are setting yourself up to lose some of your attraction for him,
2) He will feel resentful, and the part of him that wants to make you happy will start to atrophy (die, basically), and
3) The more you do this, the more you’ll do it – you’re setting up an habitual way of relating that tends to grow, not diminish. That’s a slow way of killing your relationship.
If he resists, he isn’t doing what he’s biologically driven to do, which is to make you happy and provide for you.
That will make him feel less invested in the relationship, and that, over time, kills the relationship.
Get the drift here? Demanding from our man kills the relationship, regardless of which way he responds.
If he’s doing something that is an absolute deal-breaker for you, here’s how you want to handle it:
1) Talk with him about it (when he’s able to hear you, so timing is critical), letting him know why it’s so important to you that he handle this situation, and also trying to see it from his side (there may be a reason he’s doing what he’s doing that you don’t understand).
2) Ask him to let you know what he heard you say, because you want to make sure he didn’t hear it as a condemnation of who he is, but rather as a request for something that you need.
3) Ask him if he can agree to what you need from him. If he can, great. Kiss him and move on. If he can’t (and you’ve got to make sure he can tell you the truth here – don’t control this!), then ask him what he could agree to.
4) If this is a complete deal-breaker for you and he’s not willing to give you what you need, then you are with the wrong man. You’ve got a decision to make.
5) If he has agreed, then you must give him time to do it in his time-frame. Make a mental note about how long you can give him (and make sure it’s a generous timeframe).
6) When he does take care of it, show your appreciation, being careful to do it in a way that honors his masculine essence (rather than rewarding a good boy).
7) If he hasn’t taken care of it when your inner deadline has come up, tell him that you’re feeling disappointed that he hasn’t yet done what he agreed to do. Then ask him if he needs anything from you to do it, because it’s very important to you.
8) Worst-case scenario – if he hasn’t taken care of it after the second period of time, you need to be willing to have a conversation that will be very difficult: it’s not an option for you to be in a relationship with a man who does/doesn’t do X, and you feel like this is a critical juncture in your relationship. You need his help to figure this out, or you have no choice but to go.
Note of caution: I hesitated to write this in the newsletter, because there’s a higher chance of women taking this out of context, and we’re talking about a very serious issue, with very serious consequences. You must be VERY clear that what you’re working with here is a complete deal-breaker for you. Something that, if it’s not resolved, makes this a relationship you cannot stay in and at the same time honor your values.
REQUEST OR DEMAND?
I am a huge fan of asking men for what we need from them. They thrive on being able to give to us, to please us, to make us happy.
Here’s the rub: if the way we ask is a demand, what we create is a no-win situation for our man – he has to either submit, or resist.
If he submits, he has lost his masculine edge.
That’s a problem on a few levels:
1) You are attracted to his masculine edge, and it’s one of the reasons you’re with him, so you are setting yourself up to lose some of your attraction for him,
2) He will feel resentful, and the part of him that wants to make you happy will start to atrophy (die, basically), and
3) The more you do this, the more you’ll do it – you’re setting up an habitual way of relating that tends to grow, not diminish. That’s a slow way of killing your relationship.
If he resists, he isn’t doing what he’s biologically driven to do, which is to make you happy and provide for you.
That will make him feel less invested in the relationship, and that, over time, kills the relationship.
Get the drift here? Demanding from our man kills the relationship, regardless of which way he responds.
If he’s doing something that is an absolute deal-breaker for you, here’s how you want to handle it:
1) Talk with him about it (when he’s able to hear you, so timing is critical), letting him know why it’s so important to you that he handle this situation, and also trying to see it from his side (there may be a reason he’s doing what he’s doing that you don’t understand).
2) Ask him to let you know what he heard you say, because you want to make sure he didn’t hear it as a condemnation of who he is, but rather as a request for something that you need.
3) Ask him if he can agree to what you need from him. If he can, great. Kiss him and move on. If he can’t (and you’ve got to make sure he can tell you the truth here – don’t control this!), then ask him what he could agree to.
4) If this is a complete deal-breaker for you and he’s not willing to give you what you need, then you are with the wrong man. You’ve got a decision to make.
5) If he has agreed, then you must give him time to do it in his time-frame. Make a mental note about how long you can give him (and make sure it’s a generous timeframe).
6) When he does take care of it, show your appreciation, being careful to do it in a way that honors his masculine essence (rather than rewarding a good boy).
7) If he hasn’t taken care of it when your inner deadline has come up, tell him that you’re feeling disappointed that he hasn’t yet done what he agreed to do. Then ask him if he needs anything from you to do it, because it’s very important to you.
8) Worst-case scenario – if he hasn’t taken care of it after the second period of time, you need to be willing to have a conversation that will be very difficult: it’s not an option for you to be in a relationship with a man who does/doesn’t do X, and you feel like this is a critical juncture in your relationship. You need his help to figure this out, or you have no choice but to go.
Note of caution: I hesitated to write this in the newsletter, because there’s a higher chance of women taking this out of context, and we’re talking about a very serious issue, with very serious consequences. You must be VERY clear that what you’re working with here is a complete deal-breaker for you. Something that, if it’s not resolved, makes this a relationship you cannot stay in and at the same time honor your values.